FaKEhiPpY

next chapter

2010-09-07T11:18:00.001+02:00

Rimbaud bummed Verlaine

2009-10-04T22:28:00.003+02:00

Ladder theorists

Its been narccism, thrill seeking and decietfulness that have been the secrets of my success. And Ive done it all without ever needing to dip a toe into stiff-ness.

For over 4 years now youz've been reading my shit and youz've never bopped in and told me dat youz are onto me(fun n games comments aside). Never an arselicking compliment, yet youz still come follow me.

Ive been dropping C21 existentialism on your plates and youz never got me. If I had a French name and my shit was all bound up unread on a bookshelf youz'd respect me. Well kids, 'L'hipster U' wasn't invented by mistake. I live it, you read it.

One of the main points is the scale of your world. For me its no problem to drop into any country and do my thing and get my way. But drop me into blighty and Im lost, its a different world. Its a place that is totally alien to me. My world is bigger than yours but its also a lot smaller. The realheads will get me on dat one.

On Friday night I went to the gay club, I battered the doorman and took two lesbians home with me.

Youz don't believe me?

Well la, neither did Dylan when they called him Judas for going electric.

So go and put on your smart clothes and toe the mans line.

If youz need me...

I'll be outre.

And dats fucking French.

The new testiment...

2009-10-02T00:00:00.001+02:00

Get on it.

level completed

2009-03-17T20:12:00.004+01:00

Well kids.

Theres been a few laughs, a load of abuse, the odd word of truth, several 'ave offs and Showbiz has even learned a new language out of it.

But dats it from me.

The truth is that there are people now tuning into this shit who it was never intended for.

I'll re-emerge at a later date in another form in another place. The realheads will find me. But for now I'm going back U/G. The people need me out-there.

So do me a favour...

Don't eat any animals, smash the system in boss clobber and keep it fucking scouse.

I'll catch yez on the main game.

*****

End of chat.

L'hipster U.
xxx

THE MIGHTY REDS

2009-03-14T15:57:00.006+01:00

Well kids...

Der isn't enough fizzy in Plzen today!

The MIGHTY REDS ***** made manure look as stupid as all the pure bellends who lick Showbiz's arse on his weblag. But I'll deal with dem saps later.

*****

Today was a clash between light and dark.

LFC whose fans and management have made football into such an original and special cultural artifact. And manure who only exist to sell shit to and make money out of proper arsewipes from Somerset, Suffolk, Surrey and Borneo.

1-4
1-4
1-4
1-4
1-4

So dats de so-called '2 biggest teams in de world' beaten in a week by 8 goals to 1.

By THE MIGHTY FUCKIN' REDS*****

*****

But on a serious note (ha)

Der are a few mancs in the mcr who understand footy. They'll tell yez dat The MIGHTY REDS are the benchmark. And they'll be hurting today. I have no gripe with dem.

I have a gripe with all the LFC fans (most of whom are OOT by the way) who've been slating Rafa for yonks whenever we dont get a good result against some shit team.

Its like they dont understand the current situation in footy. We dont have the money of the mancs and chavski, but we have the fans, the manager, the captain and the best striker in the world who loves us.

I fucking love Liverpool FC.
">
Get me?

And just after the final whistle I got a text message from mummy and daddy Driscoll back in the 'pool.

It went like dis...

"1<4. sing it long and sing it loud".

So why not...

Manc stabbing time

2009-03-14T07:43:00.002+01:00

Time to head off down the M62 to the dirty industrial village of Salford in Cheshire to twat a load of badly dressed beuts.

I'll be back after the game.

But in the meantime.

Anyone with an interest in the erotic fantasies of a 14 year old American schoolboy can get onto this freak... The Nightmare Believer. He's been at it for yonks but has just re-started after he was forced to shut down for a while when a couple of skinny 4 eyed geeks from an A/S shop in Jeollananamdo put the frighteners on him.

He's good for a giggle when hes ripping into the 'kkkoreans'.

Scouse As Yer Like

2009-03-10T19:17:00.004+01:00

Rafa is a buddah...

Youz know.

I read a lot of pooetry (the bird in the libo is dead fit like).(No seriously - shes a real swooner).

Well, when I say read, I really mean laugh at. It makes it easier to cope with the fact that that shit is way above my head.

But know dis...

Pooetry does not come near watching THE MIGHTY REDS ***** masch-up the so-called big boys of Europe.

Liverpool 5 Real Madrid 0.

Thats the absolute definition of...

'TOLD'.

The game was over after 15 mins so I flicked around picking up feeds of the game from TV stations around the world.

And Ive gots to tell yez dis...

These foreign yokels love the auld LFC. The concept of The Kop and 'Youll Never Walk Alone' is like football alchemy to dem. Dey revere dat shit. Like the stink of kimchi on some minging frizzy headed trouts exhale...it takes their breath away.

Back in 1989 AC Milan played Real Madrid just a few weeks after the Hillsborough disaster. On 6 minutes into the game the ref stopped all the players for a minutes silence and the Milanese broke out into 'You'll never walk alone'.

Dats footy kids.

Dats footy.

'Fearless'.

Get me?

It was started by The 60's Scousers such as my auld fella, hyped by Shankly, passed on through the generations and spread around the world; and is now sadly ruined by many an out of town bellend day tripper in a jester hat and a replica shirt carrying a plazee bag full of shite from the club shop.

I can't imagine how repulsive Old Toilet must be on dat score (Well I probably can actually).

Cos even at Glasto de Scousers draw the line somewhere on the 'ave off. But not the man ure low-life capitalist cunts. Dey'd sell repro-graphs of slur alex fergussons pace maker beats to the nobheads of Norfolk, Devon, Berkshire and Seoul.

We'll sort dem arsewipes out at de vikend anyway.

*****

I've just measured my hair and its 12.7 cm's high.

Dats high.

Not long.

*****

Youz know dem coupla models I was on about de other week?

Yeah, well today dey requested my paid presence around at their boss pad for an extra hour each week.

Im just fucking good at what I do.

Youz know me.

*****

Oh Campione
The one and only
We're Liverpool

They say our days are numbered
We're not famous anymore
But scousers rule the country
Like we've always done before

*****

first trip of spring

2009-03-08T17:03:00.002+01:00

My L'hipster U senses had picked up some hint of nature in transit. So I threw my camera and notebook into a bag and hit the tracks.

I was headed off to the small town of Cheb in NW Bofuckinhemia, just 10 clicks from the Kraut border, to have a butchers at a very boss and very little known art gallery.

The choo-choo rattled slowly through mellow villages, past tin bus shelters and slid into and out of pine forests whilst The Nubs and Vulpess blasted into my jug ears via mp3.

At Stribro we met 'technical difficulties' and had to transfer to a bus for a short ride to Plana. The bus smelled unhealthily of burning oil but it held its tread as we upped and downed, in and out of tiny river valleys via an endless trail of hairpin bends.

Cheb has an unusual history. It was once the home of a lot of Krauts who were kicked out at the end of WWII and the area is now sparsely populated and has an edgy feel. Maybe the closest place to Cambodias Poipet that you can find in civilised Europe.

Cheb station still displays a huge German eagle sculpture on its tower and the environ surrounding it is what top geographers like me refer to as being 'shit ugly'. Asian bistros, knock off booze and fag shops and sex nightclubs with windows horribly and thickly blacked out with carpet.

The Krauts come here for sex.

Child sex.

Cheb is one of the major stops that the sex traders from The Balkans and beyond make on their fucked-up human freight trade. I'd read a report by a Canadian journalist who was attempting to highlight this shit and get the authorities to put a stop to it.

Inside and outside of the station gangs of grown men drank red wine from plastic bottles and skinned-up rollies from floored ciggy stumps. I eyed every fucker with suspicion and headed for the old town.

The old town is typically Boho-beautiful. And the clock in the square is far-out (see below).

Galerie výtvarného umění v Chebu is the lick. They have one of the best permanent collections of Czech modern art outside of Praha. Works by the likes of the cubist Josef Capek and the dream-like visionary Zdenek Skelnar. Also in situ was a touring exhibition of photographs of New York by Andreas Feininger. There were some nice snaps but I've already seen enough photos of New York to do me. Its been done to death.

After a good wander around I headed back to the station in the hope of finding an excuse to spark some pimp bastards.

Clean out.

I returned to Plzen to be greeted with confirmation that spring is deffo here...the Tesco Punkovac are back supping and smoking and re-manning their sentry outside of the jewish owned multi-national supermarket.

jarg clobber

2009-03-06T19:14:00.003+01:00

I speaketh here now tha truth...

I was conducting a group convo class the other night.

The Caf knows 'em cos he had a bash at teaching 'em the other week.

Some czica was complaining about her boyfriend.

(I know yeh. Plated up and on the table like a bowl of me Ma's scouse after footy practice on a Thursday night).

She told me that the problem was the way that he dressed. Apparently he's a scruffy twat who doesn't make any effort in the appereil department.

I asked her to describe his threads.

She was struggling to do it then one other cat who works with the fella piped up "He dresses like Manchester."

"Yeh wah?" says I spitting on the deck and all ready to charge around to this czicas pad to spark the fucker.

Clean out.

The class then debated on how to describe this 'manchester' look.

It turns out that over here in the middle of the worlds greatest continent, corduroy is called manchester and people who wear it are laughed at and regarded as being meffs.

Youz've never and will never catch me in corduroy. Ive always known it was a shit cloth.

So get on it...

Manchester = jarg fuckin' clobber.

And its now official.

The Second Fod Offensive

2009-03-05T21:55:00.003+01:00

Its 25 years since the end of the miners strike.

Which reminds me...

Down The Crown one night.

Showbiz and I were discussing Maggie Twatcher and all of dat. I was laying some heavy truth on Show about Thatchers Britain and her treatment of the working class.

Show gets all agitated and aggressive and starts wagging his finger in my face and going on about how Thatcher modernised Britain and how much it needed doing etc. and that he wanks himself off over her most nights and how one day wants to have the same hair style as her and that he is saving up to buy her old handbag.

So what could I do?

Like a bolt from the blue Tha Fod entered the room.

And...

'CRACKKKKK!'

With a mere twitch of the neck muscles I'd sent Show flying backwards across the pool table and slamming into that shit book case that that iron was trying to sell terrible fiction out of.

The barman Craig was first on the scene to congratulate me and offer me free sHite and jagermeister.

And so ended The famous Second Fod Offensive.

I did it for The Great British Working Class.

*****

Let me add that theres no way I'd wanna be a miner but you can't take everything away from people and replace it with nothing.

Unless you're as evil as Thatcher.

Nothing but 3rd generation unemployment, drug addictions, split communities, call centres, the police state and rampantly fucked up capitalism.

But hey...it needed doing.

the enigma

2009-03-04T20:27:00.004+01:00

For The Kopites...

From the times long before Man Ure and Chavski started buying the league title...

A boss Shankly docu.
Also get on the Paisley docu at the side.

*****

Staying on the subject of togger for a mo.

I pulled on the old vegan 3 stripe Louis XV boots on sunday for a pre-summer-season jog-out.

Bare in mind dat I was playing alongside and against kidders who were all at least 10years younger dan me. But I still won the game single handedly. I felt a bit arlarse nutmegging the saps every 2 minutes and slotting hat tricks every 1 minute. It was one of dem games...ders another goal now I'll get back in my own half, disposess yez and have another. Too easy.

It doesn't matter.

From schoolboys to now, every game I have ever played in I have never looked out of place. My record as a manager is also exemplerary (whatever). The original Busan footy league trophy sits on me Ma and Da's matlepiece back home in the 'pool.

A few weeks ago I went out on the lash in the ald DMZ shirt.

Slapperazi.

All over me.

All night.

The minute I resigned from DMZ they went shit.

Dat says it all kids.

In my final game in dat Busan League I played for the team dat Glip now manages...Inter Yer Gran.

No prizes for guessing what happened.

Yes.

I slotted a boss fucking hat trick.

We won 7-1 and bar me and my Scottish pal Steven, the rest of the team on dat day were/are complete whoppers who knew as much about the game as they did about teaching the English to the Foreigners.

Fuck all.

I remember telling one particular scrotum that he was definately shit and that I didn't want to see him at the match again.

The Canadian bellend cried.

This same prick also went around town lieing dat he had a 3 some with 2 of my mates birds. The only reason dat I didn't jaw him was because he was small.

His/her name is Stefanie. But I didn't tell yez dat.

*****

The local teenage hipsters come around to The TAZ for English. They perch all around sipping on green tea whislt I regale them with tales of my magic mushroom induced hallucinations, £$D death trips, 3 day amphet binges, hitch hiking escapades and sexual conquests with Blood On The Tracks as the soundtrack.

Its an education dat no amount of money can buy.

But I still charge dem like.

And be aware of dis...

I got a phonecall from a school a few days ago "A couple of czicas are looking for private conversation class". I strolled over there like a boss Scouser to deliver the goods.

No shit.

I sniffed it as soon as I entered the gentrifried building, over the river in a beaten up part of town, and they were waiting for me at the door to their pad.

L'hipster U's nostrils dilated. This was deffo the home of fine trim. The pad was big n spacious. Plants n candles, chaise longues, miniature dogs and jarg MTV on the massive TV.

No shit kids.

No shit.

They are Czech models.

The real thing.

Tall and thin with long silky hair. Skyscraper cheekbones. Electrocution eyes. Boss clobber.

Just stunning.

Absolutely stunning.

So once again...

God bless the British Empire for allowing me to live dis way.

Mmm...juggla' roadside bandit never fuckin' static cos Im livin' in transit.

Its a long way to the top kids.

*****

And heres some code for The Caf...

정말? 누구야? 킬은 입 하고 작은 눈 사람?

Get me?

film review

2009-03-03T07:05:00.002+01:00

CASS

Have a word, steady steady, up the irons, do what? we'll bring a carpet, tasty tasty, nice little ruck, Thatchers Britain, simmer down boys, a bit tasty, tasty firm, its all gone off down The Britania, East Landan mah sahn, claret everywhere, tasty tasty, naughty, proper naughty, nig nog innit, Clarence, get stuck in boys, tasty clobber, a 4 stretch, get the shooters out, fackin' northern barstards, tasty tasty, cut the facker up, claret, Gooners! you having a Turkish? tasty, tasty, naughty, tasty, very tasty, proper naughty, tastytastytastynaughty, Scraggs been in? He's only gone and got mah trouble up the duff!

Marks out of 5: Tasty.

pooem

2009-03-02T21:37:00.002+01:00

The 4 rivers that were frozen 2 weeks ago are now flooding.

The mornings are bright, the evenings are longer and the birds are singing.

Spring is just a few clicks from home.

Is fucking right.

LFC *****

2009-02-27T17:21:00.004+01:00

Jsem

2009-02-26T15:35:00.000+01:00

Dat cats suttin' I can't explain

2009-02-24T17:02:00.003+01:00

Just had a load of Visigoths off and day spat me dis...

Day tell me dat de local gypoes steal the grids from the roads and the first 3 metres of drainpipe from houses to weigh in down at Steptoes yard.

Not even the Scousers la'.

Not even the Scousers.

*****

First we take Bofuckinhemia. Den we take de piss.

And all around the nightclub there were beautiful Slavic girls with hair-sprayed-up blonde spikey mullets. They had shapes and lines drawn upon their cheeks in coloured eyeliner. Fathom deep ear jewelry, untucked white shirts, leggings and black plastic knee high boots.

Everyone danced to Rock Me Amadeus with serious faces using only there forearms and toes.

There was lots of bangles.

Jangling.

A few boys wore tan trenchoats and garnished their necks with silver chains. While others opted for pastel leather blouson jackets, white De Nimes shit-stoppers and buckled winkle pickers.

When Take My Breath Away came on. I darted straight in for a slowy.

Slavic girls la'.

Something else.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still carrying the yellow fever but there is so much variety here.

And I'm a glutton for it.

Raise a glass to this gig kids.

EuroCzicas are fucking boss.

I recall how when I was working the Palace Pier in Brighton yonks ago I was thinking "Man, look at all these shit-hot Frog, Kraut, Spic, Jap etc. women. I'd love to get into dat scene. I wonder how you do it?"

Well kids.

Now I know.

I really do need an autobiographer.

Turn the fucker up.

revolution number 1

2009-02-23T23:08:00.003+01:00

Ive never been a fan of indiscriminate terrorism.

What with not having the Urdu of course.

Or the beard either come to think of it.

I'd have a pop at a few bankers though.

And I'm not the only one.

In fact I'm amazed that some cats haven't already lobbed a few explosives around Wall Street, The Square Mile or Hongkers. These cunts get away with everything.

Consider this...

eg. Some north-end kidder steals a car sterio and gets knicked with a bit of pot. He'll get a criminal record, maybe an ASBO or even a stretch indoors. Then some twat in a suit arrogantly rips-off/murders good folk across the world and gets a large bung or a golden goodbye.

Bare in mind that the stiffs could probably find a way of charging me with inciting terrorism just for writing this shit if they wanted to.

War in a Babylon kidders.

Know yer enemy.

The tighter they try to squeeze...the more the realheads loosen things up.

Meanwhile all the bellends in the western world will join pointless fucking groups on fakebook and confuse trivia with humour.

Hand me the uzi...I'm going in to wipe-out the fakebook morons.

"James is lying in a pool of his own blood with scorching hot bullets searing his inner flesh."

Write a comment...

Freelance

2009-02-22T12:33:00.003+01:00

After 10 weeks of snow it became apparent to me that I hadn't been subjected to this much powder since we killed Cockney Wankers student loan on a 'white christmas' back in '97.

Schneng...

Oh how we buzzed when Cockney Wanker pulled out his 'clas A kit'. A small wallet containing a miniature mirror, a blunt blade and a tiny stainless steel sniffing tube.

Believe me they knocked out some jarg shit to better teds on the North Laine, Brighton but I don't reckon I've ever seen MooMoo and his coke kit topped.

Cockney Wanker was a good guy. A diamond geezer innit. "Evening Gentlemen" he'd chat out as he stepped into the pub and up to the bar "Lager top please mah sahn. Scraggs been in?"

So yeah it was snowy as ever the other pm. So I did what had to be done. I loaded The Clash The Clash (UK version) on the mp3 and bowled off down to The Panther.

Snow doesn't piss me off that much cos I'm ultra tactile. I love the crunch and the slush under foot. Dats why I'm always stamping on manc heads.

No, seriously.

ALWAYS.

I'm a chain stamper.

And by the way what does a manc bird do with her cunt before she has sex?

She drops him off down the pub and hot tails it round to The TAZ of course.

As I swung down the stairs of The Panther while the bars on my blower vanished, Protex Blue came on in my jug ears.

Honest la'. It was like something from a Guy Ritchie movie.

Only nowhere near as fucking shite.

I ordered a fizzy and a grog (to take the cold-edge off things) and the bar man asked me, "Hows The Caf?"

"Safe la'", I replied and proceeded to whack together a 12 skinned paper chillum.

Highly Selassie.

I.

15 minutes later I was chonged off my box and all around my vegan shoes squatted the dread-heads, grifters and flower children of the Bofuckinhemia U/G scene. All tuned in to L'hipster F.M. for righteous wisdom and boss tune-age.

Honest la'. It was like that time Bollox Obama did that speech in Berlin.

Only nowhere near as fucking shite.

Kidders took a lot home with them that night.

And so did I.

Career opportunities.

Get me?

snaps

2009-02-19T15:10:00.004+01:00

Vandals.

I know what yez are thinking...

"Literary genius".

And, well, I'll concede that to yer. But don't pigeon hole me.

I'm also boss at everything else too.

(Who could tire of dis shit? Honestly?)

Have some snaps...

The Caf in Praha

Plzen from the tower

My Cz teacher. Shes cute and shes foreign.

The Caf samples a local gargle.

http://www.shankly.com/webs/billshankly/

2009-02-18T17:52:00.002+01:00

The Greatest. Spare 20 mins to educate yourself.

the general public

2009-02-17T23:23:00.003+01:00

Imagine being fat and thinking "Mmm... McDonalds junk food, thats what I really need right now."

Well kids, many people are such sad fucking arsewipes that they go through this experience regularly.

Now I'm down with buddhist philosophy n dat but I struggle to find any excuse for people who exhibit such behaviour.

Let me get down to it here....

Some fat minger without a chance in hell of getting laid wanders into my scene clutching a stinking greasy bag of McDonalds shite and a massive coke.

Dreadlocks, of course I immediately despise her. What a fucking waste of space. How dare such low-life as this be privelledged enough to think that she knows me.

And furthermore and with all modesty aside, I battered some fella today after I caught his fucking uneccessarily large hound dropping a tall pile of shit upon the snow by the sweet shop.

Why oh why must I be subjected to such ugly, stupid, vile, bellends?

Right.

I'm off to Paris in the 1920's. To hang out with sexy people during the final days of Bohemia.

*****

Heres one for Showbiz.
Get on it from 5 mins.

Do what?

2009-02-16T20:30:00.002+01:00

well I suppose you want me to speil out the antics that me and The caf got up to over the last few days.

2 things...

1. I can't be arsed.
2. It'd be a crap thing to do.

So all I've got to say is to ask youz all one simple question...

"Scraggs been in?"

Taz sketch

2009-02-15T21:12:00.005+01:00

Swiped at 28. Floored 15.

The Caf mopped up.

Youz know us.

Vaclav tahmbled in. Brassing. Like A.S. Sophies.

Sophocles.

Get me?

Safe.

sorted for wabs n fizz

2009-02-09T19:19:00.002+01:00

The TAZ is loaded with the essential condiments to life. Cos The Caf is coming to Bofuckinhemia. Dats right. The PuNk population of Plzen is set to increase by 50%.

I havent seen the old rogue for a long stretch. 18 months I'd say. But in the spirit of Brendan Behan attempting to blow up a battleship in L'pool harbour in 1939 we remain realheads on the same wave length.

Obviously the plan is to take in the opera, go for a bracing X-country treck and pose for artistic and meaningful photographs for our earnest travel journals.

Or on the other hand...

Youz know us.

And some saps...

are gonna get destroyed.

*****

Got some trim on my case. I got my gropes n dat yonks ago and then fucked her off cos shes unstable. But shes popped back on my case. She knows I'm so fuckin out-there I'm outre and seems to think that she will attract my attention by texting me and putting only the last letter oF eacH worD iN uppeR casE.

I may well parade her to the winners enclosure and pin a rosette on her.

*****

I'll mark yer cards for yez...

Always follow government advice and law. They only want the best for you.

And without further ado.

Ladies and Gents...

Mr. Luke Kelly...

Sunday Service

2009-02-08T19:38:00.003+01:00

Today I met The Healer.

On the drive up to The Healers dump my man clued me in as to what this freakscene was all about.

Its all about vegetarianism, healing by touch, a buddhist-like philosophical view on existence and karma and also about foxing the authorities who prefer to keep this type of vibe hidden.

The Healer has a dump in Praha. Its a trad old Cz house with a small central courtyard surrounded by 3 tiers of flats. The Healer and his people are renovating the place. They've finished a floor of suites for the patients and a big lecture hall, and now they are working on a vegetarian restaurant and a theraputic salt cellar.

mmm....dig those mellow kicks.

I was fortunate enough to find The Healer in situ when I arrived. Hes a normal looking middle aged Cz guy with a belly. He spoke no English but greeted me warmly and flashed me a copy of his philosophical reasoning and a dvd of this shit...

The Healer was given this Aquarius Bell by some Tibetan lamas a few years ago. The Healer treated me to an unexpected demo of this far-out instrument. I was fortunate to witness this thing today.

Kids.

It was the fuckin' lick.

Youz know. I've been around a bit but I've never heard tune-age like this before.

The Healer prepared the bell and washed his hands then started to stroke the handles on either side of the bell.

It was proper vibes.

And them vibes were modulating, circulating, floating, resonating, meditating. It was like listening to a massive shape made out of air. Fucking boss. Even when The Healer took his hands off it it continued.

As the vibe flowed up and down and all around the water level in the bell began to rise and then the freakiest thing happened. Water actually started to jump. There were beautiful fountains of micro-droplets of water spraying up from all around the edges of the bell. It was almost out of control.

I'm a cynic so I started to slyly look for an electric plug or something but there was nothing. The thing was a beast!

I'd mellow out to that shit anytime. I've never witnessed anything like dat before.

It was totally mystical.

After I'd done my voiceover I went to say goodbye to The Healer. I told him I was very interested to have met him.

'Its destiny', he replied.

Fod almighty!

2009-02-07T01:10:00.002+01:00

ggggggggggggggooooohead kiiiiiddaaa on you on you giiiiiizzzzzz a bbbbbbllllllllllaaaassssst oooonnnnnnnnnnnnnn datttttttttttttt kkkkkiiddda.

The fly zip on my golfing tweeds broke this p.m.

Naturally.

I was distraught.

But.

I still looked boss.

Moral of the sketch...Youz know me.

fragrant

2009-02-05T21:07:00.003+01:00

*****

Youz know. As the current holder of the Showbiz Golden Fod award for most original voice I have certain obligations to youz, the people with far too much spare time on your hands.

The major task is of course to continue to write high quality moronic drivel in the here-and-now.

So here goes...

Hmmm.

Fucking blank here kids.

Me swedes gone west.

Nothin' to say here.

Shall I just boast about something?

This is harder than I remember.

What about the 'scouse dictionary getting circulated around all the offices of downtown the 'pool' caper?

Nah, nah Ive done that one already.

Erm...

I could lash my memmories of the anti-road protest era out.

But...

Nah. I'll save that for the screenplay.

Actually I'm now auditioning folk for parts in it.

I'm going for the lead role.

In fact I'm getting myself on the casting couch right now for a bit of the other.

I'll leave yez with that.

Now go and look for the runners-up.

Noises off

2009-02-04T17:52:00.002+01:00

Proud winner of The Showbiz golden nod for an original new voice award. Can't imagine how bad the runner-up must be.

*****

John Peel was righteously hip. But he adopted his Liverpool accent to get famous off the back of Merseybeat when he went to the usa in the 60's.

I'm lucky.

I'm a natural.

Teaching the English to the foreigners is like sparking out mancs. Its yer bread n butter. But I'm trying to branch out into more interesting gigs.

Lately Ive been doing voice over work on business english cd's. Its all been good, bar the time I had to do a live conversational set with some local who was as camp as my man Showbiz on the rampage with a belly-full of soju inside of him. Tellin' yez, I had to keep checking his script to make sure he wasn't playing Widow Twanky in some small town panto.

Thank god the shout of "He's behind you!" didnt come through from the mixing desk room.

This sunday Im getting chauffered to and from Praha to lay my scouse tonsils (easy girls) on a dvd about this cat. Josef Zezulka.

Apparently he was some freak who was blessed with the power of healing by touch. I'll be getting blessed with a touch of heavy spinach in return.

Next stop...nature docus on Arirang TV.

Jamon

2009-02-03T17:08:00.003+01:00

Technotechno, bouncebounce, thudthud, whistlewhistle.
Technotechno, bouncebounce, thudthud, whistlewhistle.
Technotechno, bouncebounce, thudthud, whistlewhistle.
Technotechno, bouncebounce, thudthud, whistlewhistle.

And I dont now if it was the Garys or the music or the heat and sweat in the dump. But sudenly it came to me...

...my cock is like a Spanish ham.

Its seasoned, its hung and its no stranger to a senioritas pallete.

*****

Sap after sap - wave after wave,

I just flicked them back - from whence they came.

Manchester probably.

Don't forget to tell yer grandchildren that youz knew me.

Mighty Reds 2 Rent boys 0

2009-02-01T19:01:00.003+01:00

Anti-Capitalist-Action in the area.

Youz know.

Ive met, lived with and supped with a lot of cockneys in my time.

And all of them have been full of shit.

Not neccessarily bad people.

But deluded none the less.

They seem to follow some blueprint of how a cheeky cockney chappy should act.

Us Scousers make it up as we go along.

And the rest follow.

Thats why...

Oh Campione, the one and only, we're Liverpool. They say are days are numbered we're not famous anymore. But scousers rule the country like we've always done before.

Historical reference for all youz better teds out there.

*****

Its snowing again in Bofuckinhemia. I've got boss boots of course but I'm bored of it. I want some sunshine.

*****

Tits all over my gym.

And certainly not the type youz'd wanna caress.

Regulars are hip. We all know each other. But these new-year bellsweeps are pissing me off.

Get me.

Fat lumpy whoppers in headbands. Bad form on every weight. Attempting to lift, way out of their range. Time wasters.

Artists who sculpture their own bodies. Free thinkers who live the boho life. eg. People like me. Dats what turns me on. Kids.

*****

I grabbed a book by Hunter S(hit). Thompson out of the British Library the other week.

From what I can gather he was meant to be a journalist. Fuck man. All he ever did was write about himself getting mash up and how 'out-there' he was.

Imagine being so shallow as to do that.

*****

Post modernism was invented by and is infested with far too many fakers. There is no room for voyeurs and journalists in the U/G scene.

Really.

"I dont care if you like butterflies and write pooetry. We've all been to Asia. And youz probably don't 'get' The Clash properly."

And I'd certainly say that to yer faces.

Beauts.

*****

outre

2009-01-30T20:07:00.003+01:00

Adj. 1. outre - conspicuously or grossly unconventional or unusual; "restaurants of bizarre design--one like a hat, another like a rabbit"; "famed for his eccentric spelling"; "a freakish combination of styles"; "his off-the-wall antics"; "the outlandish clothes of teenagers"; "outre and affected stage antics"

Hark!

What jarg tune-age breaks through yonder U/G scene?

Its me.

I'm back.

And this time I've added a B chord to my artillery.

So kick back for a mo and enjoy as I go...outre...

FAkEhiPpYpedia #1

2009-01-28T20:22:00.003+01:00

List of rulers of Bohemia
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

This is a list of rulers of Bohemia.
Contents [hide]
1 Legendary rulers
2 Dukes
3 Kings and Queens
4 See also
5 External links

[edit] Legendary rulers
Praotec Čech (Pater Boemus)
Krok
Libuše, duchess; Přemysl, the Ploughman, her husband.
Nezamysl
Mnata
Vojen
Vnislav
Křesomysl
Neklan
Hostivít
ThEfaKeHIpPy

scouse on blonde

2009-01-28T19:08:00.002+01:00

I used to deface circus posters, bomb the walls of L13, graffiti the inside of bizzie vans and draw cocks on Man Ure players' heads in library books. Now I do this shit.

When I started with this the protests were vociferous. It was like when Dylan went electric. They accused me of selling-out and keeping my wisdom from the kidder in the street.

But fuck'em.

Times change.

These days I sup only the finest fizzy known to man. I display only painted canvases upon the walls of The TAZ. And I whallop some EMO czica who is 12 years my junior.

Two words la'.

Two words...

SCOUSE LEGEND.

*****

I teach in a few businesses. Most of em are under high stress cos some bellend yanks ripped everyone off and caused the downfall of capitalism. FACT.

People are losing their jobs and companys are going bankrupt.

Its a shame man. I feel sorry for them.

They may not be able to afford my appearance fee for much longer like.

I creaming it in anyway so sod it. I'm self employed and my wares remain in high demand. The crunch obviously hasnt effected the top-end of things yet. The £ is shite too and thats also a plus for me.

Remember the mantra of the 1992 Earth Summit;'Think globaly, act locally'.

Tellin' yez. All they ever gave me was a purple passport and youz are fucking right I've used it.

*****

Im off to watch the togger.

Keep it alt/merseybeat.

rusty

2009-01-26T15:07:00.002+01:00

Rungstung.

Badly.

Shouldn't have scoffed that king-size bag of wotsits yesterday.

Reminds me of the time when some Korean bird who I was horseing threatened to dump me if I wouldn't let her lick my arsehole.

I wasn't against the idea.

Just shocked.

Usually they want to kiss my feet first.

*****

Kip of the blueshite yesterday.

It was embarrassing for them. All the horrible cunts in the Anny Road end celebrating a 1-1 like they'd won the league. The team were even worse and even uglier than the fans. They didn't even try to win. Still, at least they've prevented their season from ending...untill the replay anyway.

out there...

2009-01-25T01:08:00.002+01:00

As yez know.

If I flop de hole truth on yez yez wont believe it.

So I'll hit yous lot up with code.

24

half gypsy

Tits O'D

Got.

Henry

2009-01-21T23:00:00.003+01:00

Seems like this kid has met my man Scouse As Yer Like before.

Well kiddas.

As I sit back and survey my life of leisure served on the rocks. Tellin yez, seagulls sitting on rocks? I've got shags all over my lawn.

As I once said as I ran off a 5-a-side pitch (self substituted for fear of ruining the game) at the Uni of Sussex after slotting 4 in 4 minutes against a team of lanky Danish centre backs.

"Im just too good. Its not fair."

I am the risk assessor...

2009-01-20T21:56:00.004+01:00

As I was saying to a few students today as I reclined with my feet on the desk...

"Well kids its like dis. Most men find a women who'll put up with them and marry the thing. Just thankful not to be lonely. Whereas some other men never even find one woman".

Speaking of which...

I went to see Napalm Death on sunday night.

There were 4 bands on. I watched 10 minutes of 4 Czech greebos yelling at me then decided to go back to The TAZ for an hour for a cuppa and a fatty.

Then I went back for Napalm Death.

Had to laugh.

The bass player is a fat fucker with long frizzy hair and a fucking big bald monks patch on his crown. As soon as he started moshing me and my mate just looked at each other and buzzed off it. The singer was 40 odd too and sported the hairstyle of a middle manager and an unpleasant paunch to match.

He introduced songs in Brummie like this, "Right this ones all about freedom and peace 1-2-3-4- GGGGGGRRRRRRRRAAAAWWWWWWWGGGGRRAAAAAWWWWWWWWWHUMPH...."

Youz know them.

I jumped onto a platform right in front of the stage and totally ignored the band and instead focused on the circus of virgins act in the pit. Bar me, everyone in the dump was head to toe in black, big boots and jarg ink. I'll leave the mullet display to yer own imagination.

I don't mind a bit of grind core, or whatever the fuck they call it thesedays, now and then. 5 minutes usually suffices. But I have to tell yez, them boys can play. Fuckin' fast. The live sound is certainly an experience and I left with ringing ears and some fat gothy bird trailing in my slush-prints.

Its not wouldn't I kids.

Sepultura are playing next month...

...swerve...

*****

I saw Iggy Pop doing a TV commercial for an insurance company the other day. It was deflating. Dat shit gutted me.

snaps

2009-01-19T23:28:00.000+01:00

je parle l'angue d'amour

2009-01-18T23:16:00.003+01:00

Met some czica the other week. I was with Nick the Baggy. This czic is all long black hair big boots skirts tights and mad.

Its not would I kids...

I played the straight bat even when she spat out that she is doing a doctorate on accents in north west england. I didn't peep.

The czic loves the pool of life and has visited all the north west and even stepped foot in the dirty industrial village of the mcr.

Right on time I met her a week later and turned on the ald scouse charm.

I asked her if she knew what a woolyback was. She soon did. And she sent me this email today.

Hi Boss Scouser,

Even if I don't belive this is a real email address I'm sending u the questionnaire we talked about.

Could you please fill it in, eventually add some comments about your (or other northern English) dialect/accent and send it back to my email? It is not urgent so take your time.

And if u know anybody who could be interested in this research (people from the North - Liverpool, Lancashire..woolyback I mean.. Manchester, Newcastle.. cities, towns, villages.. different ages, education, sex.. I would be grateful if u could send the questionnaire to them as well.

I know it is possibly boring, long and u are busy and have got better things to do so I will understand if u leave it. But it would be really helpful if u didn't.

Btw the woolyback information was quite useful, thanks. Even if I seem to be a complete idiot, I'm really keen on anything English (not only the language). I just need time. And help..to improve. So..thanks.

See u

Doff yer caps boys.

one city, one club, one name

2009-01-18T17:08:00.003+01:00

Its been quite a season for Everton FC (The people of North Wales club). Indeed this season they get to play 3 cup finals as opposed to their usual 2.

orange czica

2009-01-17T22:41:00.003+01:00

There was some lady in the boozah last night who I liked the look of. The way I gave her my digits was fenomenal.

As is the way she keeps sending me saucy texts.

Have it.

I'll tell yez why I was keen on her.

It was because she had great hair. And so have I. But whilst I have a freeform sculpture in the medium of curlicue upon my bonce, she had a big, blonde, flashy, bob.

Turned out she was a hairdresser who speaks English with a London accent. But best of all.

She was orange!

Honest kids. I wouldn't go near them in the 'pool but overseas why not?

I'm not a racist after all like.

script

2009-01-17T01:40:00.003+01:00

On the oche down The Panther...

Straight off the mark I banged home a couple of 50's. Den I bumped one off the wire on the inner so it flopped out. Ye don't wanna show off too much like.

6 arrows later la'...it was one of dem...

...lashed one into the small twenty, thumped a max in the red on a 60 then floated home double tops for a finish.

They call it Shanghai.

120 finish.

Just ask The Caf. He knows how I get my eye in.

*****

Gotta lay dis lecture down...

For the last few years I ve been teaching the English to the Foreigners.

Its just the latest step on my flow.

All I wanna lay out here is dis...

Every white man pulls a bird in the asia. Ting is doh...the fat wankers and sad losers marry the fucking things...hahahahahahahahaha cos they aint got no charisma and neither has what they are marrying into.

The real heads and youz know who yez are, know dat de boss scouser can conduct himself worldwide. solo. and he stil gets what he wants.

I never asked for a mortgage.

Get me?

I;m a Taff's Tavern man

2009-01-16T01:27:00.003+01:00

and as soon as she knew I was a Scouser...

...well...

...dat was it la'.

bangbangbangsomemonkeyistypingthisbangbangbangtakemetoyourleaderbangbang

From Enslavement To Obliteration

2009-01-13T18:37:00.003+01:00

Tellin' ye'

Napalm Death are playing 400 metres from The TAZ on Sunday night. We'll be having a bit of dat no doubt.

Guest list innit.

Last time I saw them play I was 15. So dat means they've been knocking out their moronic cacophony for a couple of decades now.

Same as me.

*****

Its very very cold here in Bofuckinhemia.

Yez are chatting -16 everynight. Theres snow and ice everywhere. It doesn't feel as cold as the Korea did though as we don't suffer the Siberian winds here.

My thoughts though are with the homeless in this weather. Already this winter 26 people have died in the Hezky Czesky from sleeping out. Its getting worse too now as a few big companies have sacked a load of production workers, most of whom are imports from Mongolia, Vietnam, Romania and Ukraine and they aint got the spinach to get home.

They even lock up the train stations at night now so they can't crash there.

A wrap of pervatine and a bottle of Czech rum will only keep you warm for so long.

L'hipster U does not condone the use of jarg amphets.

No, no. He promotes kicking in the doors of the company boardroom and getting yer head down in there.

Times are hard.

And so are Scousers.

noonoo

2009-01-12T23:29:00.003+01:00

On this...

15.04 mins my Dad and my nephew on the right-hand side of the screen.

Don't blink.

And by the way what a bag of shit of a TV show. Them kidders aren't gangsters, they're small time scallys.

Russ Kemp is a better whopper too.

a beautiful mind

2009-01-11T19:44:00.003+01:00

My finger is perfectly manicured and lays lightly on the pulse of life.

The readings that I've been taking lately tell me that the word is full of people stressing out. There seems to be a lot of pressure, anger and sadness out there upon the surface of this oblate spheroid.

Let me offer you two-little-ducks worth of words of advice...

A simple ten or fifteen minute breathing meditation can help you to overcome your stress and find some inner peace and balance.

I'm off to slip into my adidas loin cloth and head out to the snowy back garden for 30 minutes or so of lamrim.

The Redland Tandoori

2009-01-09T17:26:00.002+01:00

As Shankly said "I never cheated anyone. I'd break my wifes legs to beat her but I'd never cheat anyone".

Slur Alex and his team of arsewipes have been cheating and moaning and hassling refs for years and its long been fucking boring. All real footy fans know this. End of chat.

*****

Watched that movie Slumdog Millionaire that everyones been raving about last night. It was alright like. Interesting story but a bit over-hyped. All in all though it made me well hungry for poppadums and sundries.

Stand by for the sequel Bigdog millionaire in which my man The Bigdog picks up his monthly pay check.

In Korean Won.

...only jesting. It was there and I couldn't resist it.

*****

Keep it jalfrezi kidders.

Echo and the Diddymen

2009-01-06T22:49:00.002+01:00

This arrived in my inbox today...

Dear fakehippy,

Video Disabled

A copyright owner has claimed it owns some or all of the audio content in your video Keep it Scouse. The audio content identified in your video is Bring On The Dancing Horses by Echo And The Bunnymen. We regret to inform you that your video has been blocked from playback due to a music rights issue.

I only used a 10 second clip of the song!

Lets face it anyway; the video was jarg, took me 10 minutes to make and was viewed by thousands.

It was however not as jarg as wearing sunglasses non-stop for 30 years and pretending to be Jim Morrisson. And by the way, I know a member of 'Macs' family and he told me that all he does is sit around all day chonging on the Pepe Le Peu.

And besides, Julian Cope was and always will be 1000000 times more talented than 'Mac'.

caption contest

2009-01-06T12:07:00.003+01:00

One would hope that this is a fake tattoo. Done with a marker pen etc. But in case its not...

Get on this sap with 'kimchi' tattooed on his arm. What a better beaut.

Entries in the comments as usual. I'll get yez started...

'Ay mate. Yer arm fucking stinks'

The line

2009-01-05T22:32:00.002+01:00

Well kids

It had to happen.

No sooner has a new year started than the gym is full of skinny rips and fat whoppers trying to get a physique a la l'hipster.

Of course they'll fail.

*****

Its been snowing for about a week now. Its thick everywhere. But what is it?

Well kids

You've either got it or yez haven't.

on the run

2009-01-03T00:30:00.002+01:00

Had some nobhead off down The Panther.

I should charge them for it really.

Its better than Disneyfuckinland.

The TAZ is currently situated in Bohemia.

20 years ago Bohemia was under commie rule and I was on the -E- plan diet.

No bellend on a salary can write like me cos dey aint lived like me.

I'm officialy still at war with the British upper class.

L'hipster U fucks not those posh birds who look and bray like horses.

Well,

not any more.

I broke off erotic relations.

*****

Thhe snow in Bohemia lays as a smooth thin carpet flecked with twinkling diamonds.

Bohemia is quiet.

The sky in Bohemia is flecked with twinkling diamonds.

And we all blog on.

*****

L'hipster U's boss new year resolutions:

1. Rent a flat above a shop

2. Cut my hair

3. Get a job

4. Smoke some fags

5. Play some pool

6. Pretend I never went to school

Nothing changes... on new years day.

Get me?

009

2009-01-01T13:53:00.002+01:00

I woke up on the first morning of 2009 with a familliar taste in my mouth...

...pussy juice and Tullamore Dew.

fracas

2008-12-30T19:18:00.003+01:00

Any Kopites out there don't worry.

I've had Rafa on the blower and he told me dat dis is how it played out....

Stevie -G- la' is out with Momo Sissoko popping a few fizzies back. Suddenly he gets the urge to have a bop so he tells the bellend DJ to throw 'More Dough than Eavis' on. The bellend DJ is manc and refuses and instead throws on 'Billy Jean' by Crappo Jacko. Stevie -G- la' strides up to this manc whopper and lays Tha Fod on him.

Claret, fangs, and a sad manc cunt running off to the bizzies, all over the shop.

Some manc got told.

Not for the first time.

*****

So here is my shortlist of cunts of the year 2008.

Colin Murray : This 'stage Paddy' is all over the TV and radio like shit on the walls of a cell in The Maze back in 1978. What really pisses me off though is the fact that he makes out hes a big LFC ***** fan. Fucking arse kissing rent-a-gob was never on The Kop yet he always gets a ticket to the match these days.

Russell Brand : Russell Beaut. End of chat.

That arsehole Ronaldo : Prancing greaseball ballerina who would've never made it out of the Tuebrook under 12's league.

Simon Cowell : A bellend of the highest order. This badly dressed tit has spent longer in the closet than a packet of The Big Dogs sponkies.

Me : Youz know me.

*****

I was down in the mountains snowboarding today. Had a back to front board and the wrong shoes on. Still didn't break any bones. Its a miracle.

Betty

2008-12-29T15:52:00.002+01:00

Its cold in Bofuckinhemia.

Clear blue skies, temps hovering around -2, perfect conditions down the road for a bit of a rumble on the slopes.

I'll be off there in the a.m. where I'll throw a few shapes on the black runs, twat a few krauts and then shack up in a log cabin for a bit of off-piste-X-treme-equestrian.

I look fuckin' boss in my snowboarding clobber.

So, no surprises.

There.

Most birds want to shag me.

Especially your bird.

She sends me love letters.

And she told me that you smell.

Ner ner ne ne nerrrr.

a portion of chips

2008-12-28T09:32:00.003+01:00

Chrimbo can be a stressful time for a lot of people.

Refreshments are taken, mistakes can happen.

I mean, who amongst us can hold their hands up and say that during one christmas or another they haven't got ferociously drunk on the worlds worst fizzy and well-being ethanol, then gone to a casino and caused a riot over some misplaced poker chips before being arrested and carted off to a Korean jail?

Only to later discover that the misplaced items were snug in ones own pocket all along.

Such things can happen.

And events such as this are reffered to as being...

A TOP FUCKING REDNER

hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha

*****

I'm off back to Bofuckinhemia later.

Another weeks holiday to be spent in the mountains, in the gym and on the fucking job.

Theres only one Scouse Legend kiddas.

Enter the Boho

2008-12-26T10:22:00.002+01:00

Within hours of touching down on home turf, I'd done what any sane man would have done...

I'd been to Sayers, the chippy and the library.

At the library I pulled out a load of books on pooetry, spirituality, LFC and local radio DJ Pete Prices autobiography which is entitled BumFucker.

But then it was time to tune Scouse as ye Like into the new shakes n moves direct from Bofuckinhemia.

Scouse as was shadow boxing in his kitchen when I called round. Rumour has it that he's planning a pop for the Old Swan heavyweight belt outside Taffs Tavern this Spring.

I arrived with a litre bottle of Bushmills and left several hours later with an empty bottle and Scouse as ye Like flat out on his back under the chrimbo tree. When Scouse as ye like snores it sounds like this , "kkkkiiiiiiiiiid---laaaaaaaaaaaa', kkkkkiiiiiiiiid---laaaaaaaaaaa' , over and over on the inhale and exhale.

On chrimbo day I met my bro-in-laws Dad for the first time ever. The old dog is from Tipperary and is an alcoholic. Mate, he was wearing a button hole pin on his lapel but I could barely see it through the sheer mess of dandruff all over his threads. The man takes more medication than Paddy -E- did down The Quad back in -89-. He was a good chap though, lived most of his life in the heart of Tokky, L8, next door to Somalians and Nigerians and other South-end kiddas.

Father Christmas brought me an elecric toothbrush.

A fucking electric toothbrush.

Why doesn't he leave the reciepts?

The Prodigal Kidda

2008-12-23T13:11:00.003+01:00

When the letter arrived I did feel a certain amount of pride...

"Dear l'hipster U,
It gives us great pleasure to invite you to close the 2008 Capital of Culture celebrations in The Pool of Life.
We know ye, and we know dat yer a boss scouser, an international shagger and you've been pissed up at more gallery openings dan most.
So please accept our request and come over to help the entire city close the year with a bang.
Yours Scouserly etc etc.
The City of liverpool."

Well kids I had to accept. And whats more I'm classing it as a charitable venture and thus lobbing the tickle into the tax-deductable column.

I'll see yez on The Kop this weekend.

vzpor lezmo (with a v on top of the 2nd z)

2008-12-21T15:40:00.006+01:00

Today is the winter solstice.

Now I'm not particularly sure what this is all about; but seing as how it has new age traveller, beardy weirdy connotations...I dig it.

One of the schools I do classes for had a chrimbo party the other day. Of course it was situated in a micro-brewery in a village a few clicks out of town. The micro brewery sorted us some beer champagne and bottled up a special christmas brew for us and here it is...

This was a pokey number with a plumby frutiness and weighed in with a heavy artillary of 6.5%.

Just waiting for the footy to start at the mo and I've got this number on the go...

Its a 16 degree so yez are gawping at 7.5%. Its fucking heavy, like a decent tasting version of Special Brew. The label on the back of the bottle compares it to an English pale ale. Fuck, they don't sell this shit down The Rovers. If they did, I might actually watch the crap.

I've got a 21 degree of the same shit cooling in the fridge. 9% beer. Fucking preposterous and they even knock out a 24 degree!

And on the subject of micro breweries, how can I forget that famous night down The Crown when Sir David Scraggs (the last jewel in the British Empire) and The Caf played the brewmasters to host a certain Korean gangster.

Mind you.

It says a lot about a pub when a punter is drinking fresh, warm, human piss laced with vermouth and doesn't realise that its any different from what comes out of the taps.

But life isn't all about fizzy, trim and PuNKfUcKINroCk...theres also sports. I've recently added this to my gym programme. I'm just starting on the 3rd week and keeping up with it okay. Press-ups have never been my strong point so I'm taking this on as a sporting challenge.

Have a pop at it. Or if you can't be arsed try my alternative www.onehundredskinups.com

A musical biscuit

2008-12-19T18:59:00.006+01:00

Dis vibration
All over The TAZnation

Download it for sure. The best dub tunes I've heard for yonks.

*****

Well kids.

So much to say.

So little writing ability.

Youz know me.

Its funny to see the tax payer bailing out privatised companies doh.

How stupid do they think that YOU are?

*****

Tonight in Bofuckinhemia the sky is as black as Arsene Wengers boyfriend.

But not quite as young.

Get me?

The Frenchman is a nonce.

Theres a one fifth crescent moon hanging lob-sided and fucking huge like a massive islam thing at the top of some allah-flingers gaff.

Fat managers, jarg and direct from the commercial scene, trying it on with their secretaries n dat.

Fat bastards.

Imagine being so stupid as to wake up one morning and find yourself fat!

*****

I woke up this morning and found blood in my a.m. stool.

It was still funnier than anything that Russell Brand has ever said or done.

*****

Im skinning up.

Show some respect.

Caution: Children at play

2008-12-18T20:47:00.001+01:00

How fucking pathetic is this?

space is deep

2008-12-17T19:47:00.002+01:00

Stand at ease

Youz know, a key attribute of the boss teacher (eg. me) is the ability to elicit answers and information from students.

I was doing a class this evening when I elicited a lot more than I expected.

There was just 2 fellas and a czica in the class. I was doing a class on the concept of Big Brother. Being spied on like.

After a few of my own hillarious annecdotes the czica pipes up with her own tale. She tells us that she once went to the Plzen strip club/whorehouse called Pamelas and got naked and got into the jacuzzi with 2 men. And of course its a secret from her boyfriend.

Great images of this czica in the nack let me tell youz were going through us 3 mens minds.

I've never been to Pamelas of course but Scouse as tells me its great.

(jest)

*****

I know youz all wanna lay a chrimbo pressie on me so heres a list of what I'm after. Sort out who gets me what between yerselves...

1. World peace
2. A huge cheap-looking ceramic heavy metal skull bong
3. The league title at Anfield
4. A fair-trade condiments set
5. The resurection of John Lennon
6. A pet orang-utan
7. The Crown
8. An all expenses paid trip to Tokers with Scouse as ye like
9. Shit la'. Its snowing again. Right, I'm off to Sometrims for a space-cake.

Keep it left-bank kids.

kids with guns

2008-12-16T22:26:00.001+01:00

The only funny thing about this is the need to subtitle the interview.

Lers hope Sean Mercer enoys getting his arse popped ... for 22 years.

gold, frankensence and pivo

2008-12-15T20:29:00.005+01:00

Freaks of nature

The presies are coming home.

Private students keep dropping boxes of homemade gingerbreads and sweetmeats on me and then today ...

Two middle aged female students at the brewery slotted me a goody-bag today. The swag consisted of 6 bottles of Urquell, a Kozel t-shirt, a pen, a calender featuring a selection of fotos of some Czica lovelies and a fucking boss 1/2 litre beer glass.

And here it is...

These glasses dont come cheap and are exclusively used at the boozaaaaahs dat knock out only the top quality Pilsner. Its thick, chunky, perfectly weighted and smooth. You can really get stuck into the fizzy out of this one.

I told the ladies that I felt bad cos I didn't have a gift for them. Without a prompt they replied "You are a gift to us. Its okay."

"Cock on; jobs a good'un", as a manc would say. Plzen...what a town.

*****

I have a butchers at a few other blogs now and then. I'm always interested in those of 'out-there' people who teach English in 'out-there' places. I applaud them all. Most of em are all the same tho', just yarns of chasing the local trim and necking hooch in mad sketches. Its all good sport.

I dread to think what boring life I'd have to lead if the possibilty of mooching around the globe chatting the queens didn't exist. God bless the English for inventing the worlds best lingo. And then for imposing it upon all and sundry.

*****
Pilsner Oiquell - Pilsen Bois...

Half of Jamaica in The TAZ

2008-12-14T12:30:00.004+01:00

Sometrim is working on a stall in the christmas market in the square of the republic.

I went to meet her when she finished and we fucked off with haste to the Pink Panther.

The Panther is a boss boooooozaaahhh. Its deep in an olde cellar with no phone signals, loads of little rooms, dub reggae and everyone in the dump is chonging on the main game.

It was a bloody cold night so a couple of hot grogs were called for.

Gotta love a land-locked country where 'grog' is drunk and where the word 'Ahoj' means hello. I think they even have a navy...a couple of ships that practice on some lake somewhere.

Anyway after a mug or 2 of grog it was time to hit the Urquell (a fine pint). And to skin up the anchor.

Nick the Baggie was in another part of time at some chrimbo party with a handfull of lightweights. I told him to get his arse over to The Panther.

He's never been to the dump before so he's asking the L7's where it is.

"OOohh no. Don't go there," they told him, "Everyone is stoned in there."

Exactly kids. Dats why dem other stiffs weren't invited.

As it goes they went to some other shit pub/club and Nick the Baggie was the only man left standing by midnight.

"OOooh don't go there, everyone is throwng up on the dancefloor".

Children.

L'hipster strikes again

2008-12-11T18:56:00.004+01:00

Coming at yez like a Johnny Marr guitar break.

"Nice finger work der Johnny ye manc twat. Now sort yer stale bowl-head out".

VEGAN SHOES
Heres a great chance for youz to clock my boss foot clobber.

I know.

I really am too kind...

Canvas DM's

Picked these up in Seoul. Air-ware soul natch and design by some real head from The Mutoid Waste Co. who used to build machines and all of dat shit on the UK squat scene.

Dunlop Green Flash

The architypal English Tennis Trab. Its all about the Pimms la'. Note how mine have the original fat chunky green laces too. Unfortunately I dont have one of those sponge whitening sticks so I'll have to lash these in the machine soon enough. Light as fuck so great when yer on yer toes fom the Old Bill.

Adidas Hemp

Im the worlds only true anarchist but I have to admit...when it comes to matters of the trab...I defer to the rule of the 3 stripe. I once had a pair of indigo denim 3 stripe that were the lick but these out do them in terms of strength and rigour. Get on the pot leaf on the tongue. Fucking class.

*****

Suds tasting

2008-12-09T21:39:00.005+01:00

-4.

Freezing fog.

My manor this a.m.

And in the evening twilight the smoking chimneys of Skodaville looked fucking mad max.

My favourite actor is Showbiz 'Chris' Tharp and I was imagining a scene from an action movie where from out of the smog and frozen surfaces a bright orange 125cc came razzing into view with some Asian piece riding side saddle behind our hero. Then Show would pull a boss skiddy and throw a line out like "I get 60k a private and a pop at some duengjang yoja. I'll see you cats at pooetry plus", and then he'd burn off in an unpleasantness of kimchi soaked exhaust pipe halitosis fumes.

Talking of faves. Ive hooked up this pivni filosofs blog. Pivni means beer. I dont know anything about the kid bar hes an Argie living in Praha and he fucking loves the gargle. You gotta admire a man who takes his fizzy so seriously that he writes pooetry about it.

So Im doing a tribute to pivni filosof here now with regards to the suds that I've been flinging back this p.m.

The supermarkets and potraviny (corner shops) are full of booze here. There are literally thousands of breweries and micro breweries in Cz. The Urquell is the lick but its also good to have a sample of a few of the less popular ones. But by the way let me say first that I'm sure that Sr. Pivni Filosof baulks at the prospect of supping any supermarket sold beer.

Zlatopramen 11*.

I opened the evening with this number. Its an 11 degree so its rather pokey weighing in at 4.9% in £$D. As it goes I was scoffing a shit-hot Ruby Murray at the time so fuck knows what it actually tasted like.

Svijany Svijanska Desitka.

Whilst Abdul was clearing the table I popped this one open. Its a desitka which means 10 degrees so yez are chatting 4%. Its an unpasteurised session ale. Tasty enough but I couldn't tell yez about the nose as The TAZ was rife with ganja smoke at the time.

Zlaty Bazant.

The Golden Pheasant is apparently a premium export beer. It tastes a bit watery but the fucker registers at 5% on the Cafter scale. Quite a nice shaped bottle so I'm a bit worried that I might not be able to weigh it back in for 3 Ck at the bottle bank. I was mid swig when Albert Riera pinged one home from 30 yards so it gets the thumbs up for that alone. Actually I may regret this one in the a.m. its tending to linger on the back of the throat. Mind you N'Gog has just slotted another so this is back in favour.

Breznak.

This is a light beer at 4%. I spilled most of it whilst taking the photo. Its a decent swig tho'. I'm fucked to be honest. The fella on the label looks like an auld commie so Im sure this one sells well with the older crowd. It's all over bar my 7 a.m. class. Dem students will get value for money...again.

Na Zdravi (To health).

p.s. Imagine laying The Hite or The Cass-uh on Pivni Filosof!!!!!!

greetings from Kansas

2008-12-09T07:02:00.002+01:00

Snot gobblers

I'm not gay, so therefore I don't have much time for Greeks. But I must take my hat off (its a budenovka) to these Athenian kidders who are giving the beef what for.

And by the way. If any bubbles are reading this shit then be sure that I'm still knocking out the FaKEhIPPy handy-hand-sized-bohemian-cobblestones at £15 a throw. Cheques over to The TAZ. Sorry to say that my petrol bombs are sold out as I weighed my empties in down the Lidl the other day. They'll be back in stock after the weekend.

A good riot these days is as rarely seen as Pete Townshends autobiography on the shelves of a bookstore. Tellin' yez that book is taking some serious research. Get me?

Lock the peado up. Take the key to the cell in yer right hand. Stand on a little boat in the middle of Roger Daltrys fish farm. Do one of them windmill things with yer right arm and release the key at the apex of the twirl.

The kids realy will be alright then.

Anyway. This jester has to be the worlds greatest piss-artist.

bomb the hajj

2008-12-07T18:05:00.002+01:00

The Hajj is currently taking place in Mecca.

Well I say we bomb the fucking place to get our own back.

By we, I refer to all the people on the planet who are not so fucked up and narrow minded that we don't have to join some sexist, racist, violent and out-dated religion.

whatever it is...I started it

2008-12-06T18:09:00.004+01:00

Back in '89 I was squatting a flat in L18.

I painted all the walls up psychoderelict style. Had 2 dogs and a cat. And cooked off an open fire fuelled by pallets stolen from nearby building sites.

I didn't even put a lock on the front door. I was in with the local G. over the road so it wasn't necc. The local G. over the road was a white lad who had done time following the Toxteth riots in the 80's.

We had parties and all of that shit with proper UG bands and the acid house. All believers. My neighbour was a Brummie who busked on a vaccuum cleaner and had the foresight to invite idiotic hippy wannabe chicks to his pad for 'life drawing ' classes.

L18 is considered the Boho area of the 'pool.

Youz wanna see it now though. Nothing but wine bars, poncey restaurants and minging coke heads.

And then there are the career driven media types without an ounce of talent between em. Churning out shite about things that they have never had the balls to be involved in. Yet they posture that they live amongst it.

There are kidders living down there who sell a bit of dope and make out that they are realheads. Well excuse me dreads, but I remember yez when yez were on the edge of the PunK scene and had to call an ambulance for yerself cos ye got weirded out on an MBS.

Fakes.

Lifestyle fakes.

The L'pool alt. think that L18 is the hippest place to be.

Forgive them for they know not what they don't do.

Get me?

I started it all and left by the time I was 18.

So if yez are down Keiths tonight just know yer roots.

Cos it aint ties n suits kids.

Its guitars n flutes.

Yez can ask me for an interview anytime.

Cash upfront.

5-1 away win

2008-12-05T07:12:00.002+01:00

There I am at the atm in the shopping arcade. Loading up my blower with credit and i've got The Rinsed Nipples blasting out of the mp3 when I noticed out of my right peeper that some bizzie was standing there on the hover like the terrible stench of kimchi in a refrigerator. I glances left and theres another fascist tit lurking with intent to get told.

I casually finish my business and turn around to be greeted by 5 of these arsewipes all over my oche.

As soon as they clock how hard I am I can tell that they are all immdiately touching cloth.

"ID" stutters out one of em.

"Nemam ID" (I dont have ID) I boom out as 50 odd shoppers gather around to nose.

Thing is I know that in the CZ if you dont carry ID you are open to a heavy fine, but I refuse to carry any of dat shit.

A couple of them are on the radio for back up while another is flapping cos I keep using the old trick of moving my hands to different pockets.

Seeing as they aint making a move I decide to end proceedings.

"Jsem z Liverpool" (I'm from Liverpool) I boast.

Instantly they relax and its smiles all around, apolgies and handshakes.

I give em a pats on the head and wish them a good evening before mooching off to fill my pockets in the supermarket.

Peasants.

universal lingo

2008-12-04T10:39:00.002+01:00

I do a class in Skoda Power. Skoda Power is situated inside the massive skoda complex. Its a creaking old unhealthy mass of heavy industry factories, train tracks, smoking towers and all of dat shit.

There are people who work in the steel mills who are told before they work that there is a 100% chance that they will get lung disease due to their work.

So I'm waiting for a student at 8 in the am outside of an office block in a tidier end of Skodaville. Ive got The Shitlickers blasting out of my mp3 and the sole of one foot flat against the wall behind me.

Some man arrives and points at my foot saying "get your foot off the wall."

I looked at him like 'dont talk to me like Im a kid'and said "Fuck off".

He tried to tell me what not to do again.

So I told him again "Fuck off".

And dished him out a nice bowl of "Beaut" for dessert as he entered the building defeated.

yeah you ...

2008-12-03T01:02:00.002+01:00

Chongin' on a fat splaig after a decent session on the worlds finest fizzy.

Nob heads monstered on soju. I never ever touched the shit cos dat buzz must be soul-less if kim dong jarg wig digs it.

A little Asian trophy wife! No ta kid; youz should see my trim. Shes 6 foot tall with sky high slavic cheekbones and she's an international athlete. She inline skates around her pad in just her knickers, she snowboards like fuck, knits fashion and she grows ganja and digs the u/g eg. me.

I deserve nothing less.

Keep it meat-free kids.

robin hood

2008-12-01T23:10:00.003+01:00

Pubes

We've all munched a few hashcakes in our time. But not a patch on the ones that me and sometrim made on sunday.

We ground a plazee bag full of the bud into dust and simmered it for 20 in butter and water. Then we decantered it through linen into a jar. When it cooled the water sank and above it we were left with a solid 3 inch mass of bright green ganja butter.

Santa will be in for a surprise when he gets left one of our mince pies this year.

Highly Selassie.

Howzaboutdatden for laying on yez some good shit that happens in my new home? I havent smelled kimchi breath for 10 months. Theres another for yez.

I did a 3 stretch redner in Korea. It was safe cos I had boss mates and was building the best footy team ever seen on the peninsular (NO DEBATE), but get told that the Korea is the only country in which the casual expat feels that he/she has to justify him/herself for residing in. Over and over they argue that its a worthwhile place to hang out in.

Its not.

Shrunken heads.

Get me?

*****

Did a gig on Fri a.m. In some lab in the backstreets of Petrohad. Proper studio. Some hippy and his bird have ripped off a German / English business book and needed a head like me to do the vox on the accompanying CD.

I sauntered up. Smashed the fuck out of the drums then they tossed me the script. It was all done in one take.

Kids I've performed to many, Im an old hand at whats needed. Whacked it out and asked them if they were happy with it (rhetorical Q. whatever). They only objected to my L'pool accent but I just told them to get their marketing team to play on it. Picked up the cheque and promised to be back next time Scouse as is back in town; and fucked off in my massive snow boots.

Yez've gotta pick a pocket or two boys.

film review: mamma mia

2008-11-30T16:51:00.001+01:00

Colours straight from a cheap postcard. Abba re-mixes. James Bond can't sing. Boss.

powder

2008-11-27T23:41:00.002+01:00

I'm doing some recording work tomoz and then its time for some fun.

There are a load of mountains down the road on the Austrian and German borders that are now 20 cms deep in snow. I'm off there to do a bit of snowboarding.

I could've had a go at it in Korea. But lets face it it would've been completely shit and overcrowded with bellends there.

ReaLHeAd

2008-11-26T22:59:00.002+01:00

Circa '88.

Communism was alive and well in the Eu.

And the young faKeHIpPy was whacking out righteous drum tracks surrounded by anarchist posters.

So little has changed kids.

But I get someone else to cut my hair these days.

Scouse legend.

I've lived it 24/7.

black and blue TIT

2008-11-26T20:00:00.003+01:00

Raffish nonconformists

I had to buzz.

I was listening to a report on the occupation of the airport in the BKK on the BBC world service when they tuned into some sap septic who was stranded there. Funny as fuck. This yank was obviously a sex tourist or just a stiff on bizz. and he was livid. He's there roaring at some little Thai protester giving it all this "...Do you realise that there is a VERY important national holiday in the USA right now. You are totally out of line with this act. STOP IT right now ...etc etc..." The nob was spitting feathers. I was just surprisd that as an American he didn't seem to respect the rights of people to take action to promote their personal idea of democracy.

And talking of bellends get on this truth...

Im down the forum the other day; tackling the north face of the Annapurna on the cycle when SOME TIT trots in.

Kip of him.

Hes a shortarse with an upright self important gate dressed in pristine sports clobber. What A TIT. He was even wearing bright white HiTec squash shoes. He jumps on the rowing machine and then I wandered down to the incline bench to press a couple of mammoths.

Within seconds of me finishing my first set I spied in the mirror that THIS TIT was hovering around over my left deltoid.

I rest.

Hes still there.

I start my 2nd set.

Hes still there.

Then THE TIT prances over to my mark and starts waffling on. Its clear that he wants a go on the bench. For fucks sake its not as if there isnt 30 other machines and a rake of free weights that he can use.

So I told him in Cz that I dont speak Cz and asked him if he spoke the Queens. Of course he doesn't, he just looks even more frustrated now.

I calmy commence my 3rd set. The TIT is still there.

In my own time I finished and racked the weights.

Hes over to the bench like a shot.

With a little towel.

No shit. Hes got a little towel.

I sprayed some sweat off my boss wig onto the bench and said in Cz "Oh you wanted to use this. Why didn't you ask me?" And walk off grinning.

TIT then lays his little towel on the bench like a Kraut at the hotel pool and gets to pressing a couple of pencils.

Then I turned around and legged it up to the bench and volleyed the stand off it so he crashed right off it and onto his head.

TIT got taught good manners in an instant.

The Screamies

2008-11-23T21:31:00.004+01:00

A bit of PuNKRocK history here with a photo of my ald band The Screamies (Name was not my idea).

So where are they now.
l-r. Anton: Now an artist who paints dead rock stars. Me: The best jug-ears on the U/G scene. Dave: Has a rehearsal room in Birkenhead. Dunc The Punk: Lark Lane scenester who works for the tax office. Leon: Played bass with Ian Mcullochs Electrafixion.

Did a few gigs and a demo with these cats. I recall one famous evening when we turned up to play the bar in The Everyman; and no-one turned up to see us. Not even the girlfriends.

Now dats PuNK!

snowfuckinhemia

2008-11-22T03:42:00.002+01:00

Its snowing outside of The TAZ.

I was crunching my way through it earler.

The TAZ is situated off the beaten track.

And rightly so.

You know.

These Czicas are very beautiful.

Im a tactile person.

Dub.

one thing i can tell yez is you got to be free

2008-11-20T21:13:00.003+01:00

Reed Warblers

Get yer beaks up.

Cos Im back in town to rip yer system down and errect a staute of myself in its place.

Yeah man. Dem slanty eyed fucks are all over me. And dat aint racist. Its a fact. Slanty eyed fucks is what they are.

Yez can't argue with biological facts.

It takes a certain race of people to allow itself to be controlled by a small fat man.

And talking of Thomas the Tank Engine...

I was at some party the other day.

Free bar.

So I hit the Bushmills.

Hard.

Some sap band were knocking out faux-gongy -czech-rock.

I was tapping a trab.

No more.

Then they hit a familliar intro...

I was up on the boards and fodded the singer into the cheapseats. His 'arris is probably still rattling down there today.

I ragged the mic out the stand and upped the tempo...

"Here come old flattop, he come grooving up slowly..."

The house went wild.

The band were loving it too. Esp. the hippy guitarist. That cat was a real head who knew he was serenading someone special here.

When I finished the track, I dismounted the stage and 2 czicas rushed my set and hugged me.

"Don't take the song title too seriously girls." Says I cautionarily. " I'm a bit pissed so I might only be able to get myself and one of yez off."

In a group class on Tuesday one of the women students stopped me half way thro' the class and goes. "Did I see you singing at a party on Sunday night? I didn't realise it was you at the time (I was head to toe in kashmir and antlers like) but I remember thinking 'Wow! that guy sings English really well'"

moral of the story-

If yez want something doing properly, ask a Scouser.

Scouse legend.

Worldwide.

now when i say dem...

2008-11-15T21:30:00.002+01:00

Sooth sayers

whatever dat shit means.

We need the funk.

Give us the funk.

We want the funk.

Theres a whole lot of rhythm getting chonged up in Bo F n emia.

I kopped for a guitar tuner. The 5 string sounds weird now.

Mon is the holiday to commemorate the velvet rev and a few other things so Im off to a party on Sun. Its in a cottage in the sticks. Rich hippys who have a comedy political party on the go. To be honest Im expecting to fod some sap out.

I bet theres loads of kegs, rum n smoke'um der.

Push some dub in for us der.

Is right.

too much acid

2008-11-14T23:46:00.002+01:00

Carpet bombers

Keep it herbal.

I'll be back in the 'pool for the party soon so I've been growing my hair.

Its thicknfuzzy.

I've had off a load of canvases again.

The TAZ is flecked up like a top gallery. The walls are white anyway so I hang the shit there n then and it flows.

I tune heads in and flash em a canvas and paintsnpens. Some interesting pieces up there.

The Scally Lama painted a sunset thro' a forest on a 20/20.

*****

Found this on the travelblog of some sap chick who was doing Thailand. Fucking cracked me up, I know Thaannjo. I used to live with him on a hippy farm in Wiltshire and met him on a side soy in The BKK on Songkran with a bottle of Cptn. Morgan. Hes a top FaKEhIPpY...

before we went to visit ben and elliott, we forded the river (much to the amusement of some thais on the other side) with our new friend kyamim (the guesthouse's dog that has adopted us, she sleeps on our deck every night). we love kyamim! also met a british guy named thaannjo who was floating down the river on a tube. (side note: later ended up befriending him in chiang mai as we were staying in the same guesthouse).

Then 2 days later ...

ran into our british friend thaanjo from the river in pai. i think he's done too much acid in his lifetime, but he's really nice.

Thaannjo is fucking hip.

Across the universe

2008-11-13T19:37:00.003+01:00

Plastic People of the Universe

Perhaps its because of the sheer quantity of anger that I hold inside of me (seeded by the morons of everyday life, a kiddiefiddler and the fear of the golly pit), that I'm the worlds authority on pacifism.

Its yin and yang.

But imagine being so angry that you decide to invent the cluster bomb.

Imagine being the cunt who invented that shit.

That cunt has a swinging brick for a heart.

My heart is a white dove.

Showbiz and his hip new hip K chick videod down The Crown...
For The Caf...

The Toilet

2008-11-12T00:27:00.002+01:00

The world is an even better place now that I know that a band called The Toilet exists.

So flush yer worries away with...The Toilet.

pour l'homme

2008-11-11T21:22:00.004+01:00

Nutcracker suites

Chrimbo is coming, the turkey is getting brutally fattened to be murdered horribly.

I ain't poppin' on de side of dat shite. I operate on a much higher level of existance to meat eaters.

'Meat eaters', what a phrase. Sounds fucking caveman to me. Food for the un-educated.

Lining the pockets of animal torturers aint an ambition of mine.

But don't get me wrong...I'm willing to ca$h in on chrimbo too.

In my own ethical way.

And dats why I'm offering youz lot out der de chance to swamp yer pits with dis shite dis L'hipster Yule tide.

For doze of yez with yer olfactory sensors in place, just buy it for dat uncle who you hate. Or a lesbo. I don't care. All I'm laying on yez is dat I'm whacking out my own personal perfume dis year.

Look kids, if dem beckham nobheads can do it then so can I.

Get on it.

Beaut 33.

The name says it all. £33 over to The TAZ secures you a plazy bottle of the crap.

No money back guaranteed.

Mr Woo

2008-11-10T22:58:00.003+01:00

Communicating apes

Anyone got revolution on their mind?

Yeah!

Well I got D.I.Y. on my mind.

Get me?

I was partaking in a romantic stroll through the village of Bozkov (v on top of the z) when I came across some pub not far from this stream...

Loads of vans and a tour bus outside of it. All over the village green there was gothed-up smellys. Some afternoon mosh sesh for the depressed local youth. Bands from Norway and Holland n dat. Pure heathen cacophony merchants. Dem youth dem wear some mighty boots. And black trench coats.

Shit clobber.

But anyway this village is full of old farmhouses. Its a semi-ancient like. I clocked this window. I don't think Ive ever seen a better window than this...

congo,etc

2008-11-09T00:39:00.002+01:00

Recreational drug users.

In a few days the whole of the UK is obliged to wear a poppy to commerorate the end of WW1 and WW2 and to thank all dem kidders who bought it whilst slapping the nazis.

Ting is dough kids, ders no use commemorating the end of one war when theres loads of other wars going on all over the world now.

Meanwhile saps are blinded by some stoopid charade in America known as an election.

Don't take yer eyes off the ball kids.

scouse emotional blackmail or FUCK OFF YANKS YOU AREN'T WELCOME

2008-11-07T00:28:00.002+01:00

Hi L'hipster U (***** Liver bird upon your chest) ,

Today ShareLiverpoolFC released an 'open letter' addressed to the current owners of Liverpool Football Club. As a registered member, here is a copy of the letter...

OPEN LETTER TO GILLETT & HICKS

Dear George & Tom

We understand you have decided to relinquish your ownership of Liverpool FC and are actively looking for a buyer.

Along with the vast majority of Liverpool fans, we agree with your decision to withdraw. We would like to buy the club on behalf of the fans, and invite you to sit down with us to agree a deal. We are confident that if you’re willing to sell to us for a fair price, we would have sufficient backing (either from the fans alone, or with a suitable partner).

As you may know, ShareLiverpoolFC is an IPS – effectively a ‘Co-operative’ – owned by single shareholding members (not unlike the Green Bay Packers). We are not motivated by making a profit from the commercial exploitation of Liverpool FC; all income would be directed towards the benefit of the Club and the team itself. We want the Club we love run solely in the best interests of a successful team, the fans and the community.

We believe we represent a real opportunity for both of you to bring to an end a troubled period of ownership; an ‘exit strategy’ which would lead to admiration and respect from many. Doing the honourable thing and selling the club to the fans would return it to the values that made it the most successful football club in England and one of the best supported clubs in the world.

If necessary, we will come in with a partner. As you are no doubt now aware, the stewardship of a club like Liverpool cannot be separated from the interests of its fans and its community, and anyone thinking of bidding for the club will realise that the backing of the fans is essential to ensuring a harmonious and successful club.

There is now a growing feeling across the sport, from FIFA and UEFA to the FA, and from the grassroots upwards, and even from our own government, that big clubs are in real danger of losing touch with their audience. You could help reverse this trend.

We’d also like you to be able to leave with dignity. George, in an interview last March, you said, “Our goal from the beginning was to add….to the lustre (of Liverpool FC)…”.

At this point you can only achieve this by doing the right thing – and that is to offer the club to the fans.

Come and talk to us.

Yours sincerely

ShareLiverpoolFC

And besides dat. These tossers are also invited to come and talk to me.

rock me amadeus

2008-11-06T21:08:00.003+01:00

Finger us a bit of bass in der Chieftain.

Smooth la. Professional.

Synth in.

Woh! back off a bit. Dis aint the 80's.

Better. Better.

Giz some hi-hat n snare. No sig la' just feel it.

Bounce the djembe in kid.

Strings. Floating. Clarinet.

While I pick up the 5 string 10 clicks out of tune.
This shite goes in straight off the spoon.
My fallus is a palace with a visitors fee.
Dat manc is a penis amputee.

On dis riff it kills all known stiffs.
Dead.

Pull the woodwind out dread. Sack de drumkit. Lower it down here and spark the lights out.

Brummie kid exPunKROcKdrummer so he says. Fucking off back to Blighty after a 10 day stretch. Amateur. Sheer amateur. No shit the skinny rip had 'QUITTER' inked up in Gothic Script along his lower back. No shit. He flashed it down The Panther. I said fuckall. Shit art is a walk-by. Puff wouldn't even share a Dr Toke with me in The TAZ.

The brewery has popped out a new fizzy. Gambrinus 11* aka Excellent. I had a preview a few weeks back. Its not a bad gargle but its gotta be told. The Pilsner Urquell unfiltered out the tank at Parkan is the best pigs ear I've ever necked.

As it goes bin lids I'm off to wrap up a pinch of slippery slope.

Send in the moog.

Boppin' like a Kraut at a Falco gig...

Original Scouse Material

2008-11-04T22:50:00.004+01:00

Cult clasic not bestseller.

Gerrard (LIV) USA 6.0 UK 6.0 CZ 6.0 ESP 1.1 BOHO 6.0 NOR 6.0 TAI 6.0

Get me?

Some Brummiekidder rocked up into the background of my sketch. Took him down The Panther. Got my boy mashed up. Lid was camp.

The chap is inked-up like my old school desk. Shit arm, bad tattoo and jarg all-over the torso too. Redner. No wonder this 'ex pUnKRoCk drummer' has got a gob on him like A**** S**** in the BKK when the whores are taking industrial action. I've got a 10 spot on with NickTheBaggie about him being an iron anyway.

Der are few of us who can dig a move and a groove overseas. Many try like. And many freak out and just don't get IT.

Kiddas.

Bar the U/G PuNKsCeNE I'm not catching any decent new licks.)> If youz know any den tune me in<(. so I've been buzzin' on dis shit all day on dee ald trams n dat to n fro. Der was 4 or 5 buzzes on dis CD yonks ago...

let go

2008-11-02T22:55:00.002+01:00

Alien abductees.

Out on the streets tonight there are dying souls digging skagged-up-sharps into their veins. Its a pity. Totally lost and incognito inside a lifestyle of shitness and masking their misery with slang and drug paraphenalia.

But not me.

I spend my time in a state of complete relaxation. Analysing the intricate mechanisms of my mind.

My mind resembles a high waterfall hidden in a jungle with electric blue parrots and creamy butterflies flying and flitting above it.

Scally by gaslight

2008-11-01T21:49:00.004+01:00

Sex downloaders.

The fog has come down like my man BobPies on a couple of grains.

It looks like the Olde London Towne of Hollywood out there in Bo-f'inhemia..

A little old man rumbled up slowly past the black glass shopfronts with a rumpled shopping bag hanging from his hand.

His Scottie Dog must have recently passed on.

Maggie Thatchers best mate.

These old commies refuse to die tho'. Not if theres still a bakery ~thats knocking out rohlik, to queue outside of at 7 in the great gods a.m.

L'hipster You hasn't Europed over winter for a long stretch. And now I'm feeling what Ive been missing. Rain, gray-white skies, cold frontals and incredible opportunities in the headwear department.

The real headwear department.

L'hipster U's pot plant engulfs pizzeria..

Maze

2008-10-31T12:19:00.003+01:00

Anyone getting dressed up and going to a Halloween party tonight?

Yeah?

Well fuck off you sad cunt. Ye wont be chatting fake blood if I get hold of ye.

I remember Busan when all the pricks (mostly septics and canidiots of course) got dressed up in ridiculous costumes in the hope of actually getting some attention.

Wankers.

It was always the big fat virgins like MattSid and PoshQuentin who went to the most effort too.

Damned right it still didnt get the boring saps laid.

Over here in civilised Europe, people are far too hipnlaidback to be gettin involved with that type of shit. Although Im sure there are a few better Yank bellends in Praha who are having a pop at it. But on the off chance that I do run across one of these so-called parties, den know dis...

...after I've kicked yer front door in, necked all ye booze and horsed a few birds, I'll be pulling down my kecks n ball stranglers and shitting all over the floor before smearing it across the walls and furniture.

Trick or treat or a dirty fucking protest.

Dat ought to fuckin scare yez ye childish nobheads.

Sweaty Betty

2008-10-29T16:02:00.002+01:00

The Pink Panther is my kind of inn.

Its a cellar dive knocking out reggae for connoisseurs. Urquell on tap. Foxy dread czicas sipping Jamos. And even the barman is chonging on a fat splaig. Nestling next to the town centres most notorious gypoe hovel, this hostelry is deffo off the radar.

I was there last night. Took a few amateurs down there for some Sweaty Socks birthday.

But anyway Im starting a detox today. I've been continuously wrecked for 21 years now so I'm due a holiday.

Brats on the piss

2008-10-28T15:32:00.002+01:00

Whats with these people and their need to breed?

Theres no point in having kids kids. All they do is tie ye down. Bigger parasites than my man FastnSkinny, and he's been on the dole all of his life.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for getting started early on but come on; they shouldn't be allowed into a pub untill you can trust that they wont smash glasses. And restaurants should be no go zones for the little bastards too. All those snotty fingers all over the shop. No need. Then theres the endless moronic noise out of them. Talking more shit than Slur Alex Ferguson.

Real heads don't need babies. The whole point is being original, reproducing defies that very thing.

Join me tomorrow when I'll be discussing this one...

'Old people. Should we kill them, or just lock them up?'

vozrat se

2008-10-26T08:40:00.000+01:00

This is

Bo-
------Fucking--
------------------Hemia.

Some Czica upon my rocking chair playing romantic folk tunes on my 5 string. Freaks everywhere on scatter lillie pads.

Visibility is down to 3 metres.

Sjet se po trave.

England is a meer shadow on the horizon.

The life of L'hipster U is nix but a pilgrimage.

Oh Lord, its impossible to be humble.

Wrecked my shoulder and had to take a coupla weeks out de gym. Back in der dee other day. 5 clicks on the rowing machine in 20 odd mins. The czica who works there was well impressed with my stroke.

Dizavvy is a big match as The mighty Reds ***** batter Abramovitch's rent boys. There'll probably be a few guests down The TAZ for it.

Tenner on the door and I might send the odd roach their way.

email

2008-10-24T22:36:00.000+02:00

wetpaint@riseup.net

and could he play

2008-10-21T16:48:00.006+02:00

Fluffers

Warm up yer hands and get on set.

I'm in the zone.

*****

The low-rise city-scape bereft of neon and gloriously un-uniformed. Above the houses I see only treetops, medieval church spires and a half globe of sky blue sky.

The excitement of spinning through a massive concrete Asian city at 5.26 in the am is best left for young Canadians with big teeth, shit clobber and absolutely no ability to teach English.

In Bofuckinhemia I am allowed to teach professionaly and am thanked for it. Chasing the Korean Won is like being a crack head. Its the only reason you exist. Cos there is fuck all else to do.

Don't get me wrong. I may go to Japan sometime in the future for equestrian reasons.

But ...

Ever see L'hipster U in a shite nightclub in the arse end of some unimportant Korean shit-hole, necking jarg fizzy and listening to Beyonce whilst surrounded by amateurs who consider themselves to be smart and interesting just cos they have graduated some bellend university; then stick a rusty blade into my ballbag.

Fat useless men and their skinny trophy wives.

No ta' kid.

Told.

*****

As yez know.

I've had to batter a few homs in my time.

But that was nothing to do with their sexuality.

Actually I'm all for gays in the millitary. Like, all of them...hehehehe.

But anyway I started teaching some new hotman (Cz. coll.), and the chap is a real head. He's hip to phrasals which is a big compliment for a non-native speaker. Today I taught him detailed adjectives to describe peoples' characters. We spent an hour giggling and describing Bushy, Paris Hilton, Reg Dwight, Vaclav Havel and Her Majestys Vagina Elizabeth II. Then I told him to take his fucking hand off my leg and sign my invoice.

*****

Tomorrow is car-free day here in Plzen. (Imagine trying that in Korea!) We don't have too big a car problem over here in civilised Europe but for a full-on environmental raver like me one day isn't enough. Regardless, I'll still be out there with a cricket bat smashing up rich Krauts' beamers.

Killing 2 birds with one stone essentially.

When you can ride on a beautiful tram full of top trim why would you wanna drive a car?

Don't ask me.

Ask the men with the tiny penises.

*****

Excuse me while I spark up dis sploff.

*****

Howzabout dis den for a tickle...

Some Czica I know trains the young athletes down the stadium. They don't pay her much; but she does get expenses.

Thus forsooth, whenever I purchase some 3 stripe trabs, trackee kecks or whatever I flash her the receipt and she cashes it in. 50/50 la'.

I'll be up the road to stock up on flash snowboarding gear in a month. Hot-doggin' on the junior slopes la'.

*****

I'm off to watch Glasgow Celtic slap the mancs.

Green and white hoops. Green number 10 sewn on the hamstring of white shorts. Its what its all about.

Never forget that the King Kenny was the greatest.

Turn the shite soundtrack down though.

I love the 1980's

2008-10-21T08:13:00.003+02:00

There was no sign of a Norwegian in a red and white jesters hat.

No day-tripping bellends in replica shirts, scarfs and sweatbands.

No popping of camera flashes at every throw-in.

Camera popping at corner kick.

This was real footy. Besides from the fact that the Czech league is jarg.

Kids, the number 10 for Sparta Praha nust have been weighing in at over 100 kgs. He was shit too, wouldn't have looked out of place in the Inter Busan back four.

But fuck the footy. (It ended 1-1 by the way), I was there for the scuffle.

In central/eastern Europe, hooliganism, racism on the terraces and police brutality flourishes. And although there was only 7,000 in the stadium there was still a world class kick off in the stands.

Banik Ostrava are the real hardcore hooligans but Sparta don't come far behind them. They were penned up in a small cage behind a goal, shirts off, a few banners and songs about Pilsner Urquel being piss.

Caution!

The Viktoria fans were more or less ignoring them. It was a fucking freezing night like.

Then the Sparta fans starting firing up flares and trying to set fire to the plastic seats that are fixed to the crumbling concrete stadium.

Smoke everywhere.

The bizzies steamed in.

Batons flying.

Sparta ran down the terrace to the front and where trapped against the fence whilst taking a damned good beating.

After a 5 minute tenderising they were removed from the stadium. I peeped a view through a fence and could just about make out the second round that now involved police dogs feasting on the tender flesh of the (non-stag night) Prague hooligans.

This battle ran on next to a small river round the back of the stadium and all the way back to the station.

Viktoria Plzen ultras.

Its a mans game.

PuNK ROcK warlord

2008-10-20T23:21:00.002+02:00

Joe Strummers last recorded concert.